You Might Need Some Manscaping

Manscaping. It's a touchy subject. There seems to be something a little less manly about discussing the grooming process. Women complain constantly about the stuff they have to do in order to look nice, but they don't have the monopoly on pain-in-the-ass grooming. Men do it too...we just don't talk about it. Somehow discussing it implies some level of metrosexuality that we just don't want to admit to. But most guys do this stuff...and they do it to be more attractive.

Veronica Corningstone: "You have way too much pubic hair."
Ron Burgundy: "Actually, that's a point of pride. I'm very proud of my mane of pubic hair, so thank you.

Christina Applegate and Will Ferrell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Manscaping refers to the control of all that body hair we're cursed with (well, not all of us...I only really have three chest hairs). While it would be nice to say we leave everything alone and just let it grow naturally, that's just not the case for the well-groomed man. Hell, we scrape our faces raw every day in order to keep our groomed, professional appearance. We get our hair cut even though it's clearly not intended to be that way (if it was, it wouldn't keep growing).

But some guys just don't get it. Or they don't care. It may be politically incorrect to say so, but under certain conditions too much unkempt hair in too many places really does damage the overall impression. I'm not advocating regular waxing of the chest mop, but it doesn't hurt to make friends with a second razor.

I don't know why I started thinking these things up, but in an homage to Foxworthy here's a list of fifteen clues you might need some manscaping:

1. If the girl cutting your hair breaks down crying because she doesn't know where to stop shaving your neck, you might need some manscaping.
2. If the girl you're cuddling with can't let you go, because her fingers are tangled in your chest, you might need some manscaping.
3. If your shower drain clogs every time you take a shower, and you have a crew-cut, you might need some manscaping.
4. If the blurry video of your last beach vacation ends up on "Unsolved Mysteries" as a Bigfoot sighting, you might need some manscaping.
5. If someone asks you why you're wearing a sweater at the beach, you might need some manscaping.
6. If you can play football without shoulder pads because the hair under your shirt provides enough padding, you might need some manscaping.
7. If you use Head & Shoulders anywhere else, you might need some manscaping.
8. If the lady you're being intimate with requests a toothpick, dental floss or lint brush, you might need some manscaping.
9. If you brag to your friends that you were cast as a Wookiee in Star Wars but DIDN'T need a costume, you might need some manscaping.
10. If you're out mowing your lawn and PETA protestors start harrassing you for wearing fur, you might need some manscaping.
11. If you're out mowing your lawn and some kid points at your chest and says, "you missed a spot," you might need some manscaping.
12. If your gym shorts look like you're trying to smuggle a shih tzu, you might need some manscaping.
13. If you use a blow dryer on any part of your body other than your head, you might need some manscaping.
14. If you keep a DustBuster on your nightstand for a quick morning cleanup, you might need some manscaping.
15. If you require a comb in order to pee, you might need some manscaping.