Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Dating & Attraction: Why what you think you know could be hurting your chances

This is a tough time to be a guy. In the good old days, all you needed was a good suit of armor and a willingness to be hacked to pieces in order to win respect and be cool with the ladies.

Not so in this day and age. Balancing cultural notions of romance with the reality of treating women as equals is becoming harder, especially in light of recent findings regarding the very primal nature of attraction.

Unfortunately, most guys miss a lot of this balancing act. With all of this confusion, men are sometimes mislead in their attempts to build attraction. Sometimes they come by it honestly, basing what they know on what they see in "romantic" media. Sometimes they're mislead entirely based on their experiences or based on trash TV.

Whatever the cause, here are some basic attraction mistakes. These are things that guys will do out of the belief that they will create attraction. Sometimes they might work--every woman is different (just to add to the confusion of course)--but in the majority of cases these mistakes are likely to cause the opposite response.

Being too attentive: Texting or calling too much may very well make you come off as annoying at best, or desperate at worst. She may very well be the object of your unsurpassed affection and desire, but making yourself too available takes away your mystery and shows her you're not a hot commodity. Being needy is a universal turn off for women. Plus, she may think you're checking up on her.

Corrective behaviour: slow down and filter. Don't bury her with texts. Subtlty and restraint are your friends here. Take a day off and see if she texts you. Trust me, if she likes you she'll be in touch. If you hit the right marks on your date she doesn't need to be reminded. She'll be thinking about you anyway.

Being too accommodating: Although this is the twenty-first century, the idea that every process should be a joint decision is absolutely contrary to the realities of attractive behaviour. You asked her out, so you need to have some authority and show you have your shit together. Finish the job by deciding where you want to take her. Don't waste her time by asking what she wants to do or where she'd like to go. Take the lead and show her a good time.

Corrective behaviour: Quality women are often busy women, so there will have to be some accommodation for scheduling. But if you ask or reset too many times, you may end up establishing yourself as being too available, which in turn reduces your value. Your time has value, and that needs to be clear as well. The solution is to offer your available times as options. If she can't meet those times, you may have to postpone. Contact her later for a lunch date. If she's still not available, let her know she can contact you if she gets some time. The simple fact is, if she wants to be with you, she'll have to find the time.

Lavishing gifts: This is a crazy holdover from Victorian-era notions of chivalry. While it's true that a significant factor in the evolution of attraction was the male's ability to be a good provider, more important is the control of resources. Lavishing gifts on a woman always gives the impression that you're trying too hard to impress; and it seldom succeeds in impressing anyway.

Corrective behaviour: Your personality and personal authority should do the talking for you. This doesn't mean you shouldn't buy gifts when appropriate--birthdays or Christmas, for a steady girlfriend ONLY--but handing over piles of stuff looks like you're trying to buy her affection. Some women do respond to gifts, but more often than not they know they can get stuff while stringing you, and possibly several other guys, along.

Knowing how these traditional "attraction" methods actually work against you can save you tons of time, money and frustration. Being cool, in control of yourself, and having the personal authority to take the lead can boost your attraction success and by extension your confidence.

Need to know more? Simply put, Vin diCarlo's Pandora's Box is by far the most comprehensive study of the principles of attraction available today. Check it out.


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