Really, spammers? Really?

I've been running the magazine site for a couple of issues now, and it's doing fairly well. You can tell, because in the last 48 hours it's received over 100 spam comments.

The thing about spam comments is, I work in internet marketing. I know why they write comments on blogs. The idea is to engage in the discussion and hopefully draw some traffic and interest back to your site, while also putting your link in an high-PR location that will give search engines a good idea of how popular your site is and how engaged you are. That's the theory.

In reality, the same freak shows that send out the classic "Dear beloved in Christ" emails -- hoping you'll help some poor widow of an ex-African official smuggle millions of dollars out of her country for a commission, if you'll just provide them with all of your personal identification and a bank account number -- are trying this strategy. Oddly enough, it only seems to plague my Wordpress sites, like The Man Sphere, and not this Blogger site. Both are indexed (in fact, this one is ranked higher, since it's a year older), and both get plenty of traffic.

And both have a high level of comment moderation, which is why you don't see those hundreds of spam comments.

But just for giggles, I thought I'd share a few of the real prizes from The Man Sphere, without links of course. Here's a tip: this is how NOT to promote your website on someone else's blog. See what you think:

"Does your blog have a contact page? I’m having problems locating it but, I’d like to shoot you an email. I’ve got some recommendations for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great website and I look forward to seeing it develop over time."

Yes it does. Click the "Contact Us" link, dipshit.

"I beloved as much as you will receive carried out right here. The comic strip is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get got an impatience over that you wish be delivering the following. ill undoubtedly come more before again as exactly the similar just about very regularly inside of case you defend this hike."

Uhhhh... o_O

"Well I truly enjoyed studying it. This tip provided by you is very useful for proper planning."

Considering this one was posted on Sabina Kay's interview, I'm not entirely sure what tip he's talking about...or what he's planning.

"Perfectly written subject matter, regards for entropy."

Google Translate is not your friend, spamdouche.

"In this great scheme of things you’ll receive an A for effort and hard work. Exactly where you confused us ended up being in the details. As as the maxim goes, details make or break the argument.. And that couldn't be more true in this article. Having said that, let me tell you just what did work. The writing can be quite persuasive and that is probably why I am taking an effort to opine. I do not make it a regular habit of doing that. Secondly, while I can see a jumps in logic you make, I am definitely not confident of how you seem to unite your details which produce the actual final result. For the moment I will yield to your position however hope in the foreseeable future you actually link the facts better."

OK, let me see if I can guess what's happening here. This cockspammer copied and pasted some almost intelligent commentary. As a professor, I can see what he's getting at in terms of grading someone's argument. And he's right, the details do need to be unified to create a cohesive argument. However, where this commenter fails is that there's no argument in the article. There's no "position." It's an interview with Veronika London.

Idiot.

"Good day! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I really enjoy reading your blog posts. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same topics? Thank you so much!"

No. Fuck off.

"Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You obviously know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your weblog when you could be giving us something enlightening to read?"

This was posted on Mackenzie Kristjon's interview. I might have bought the argument about using video, but the only video is for his song "This Mad Desire." Totally random comment destined for the spam bin (his URL was promoting a book on secrets of Farmville...not much left for him to say about throwing intelligence away!).

You know what? Here's the video again:


I love throwing away my intelligence on good music.

"I was wondering if you ever thought of changing the page layout of your site? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having 1 or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?"

Hmm...let me see if I follow this. You're suggesting more content, but there's too much text. Riiight.

"It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d without a doubt donate to this outstanding blog! I suppose for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to brand new updates and will share this blog with my Facebook group. Talk soon!"

Yup. Real shame...go buy the calendar.

"You will be able use all sorts of advised attractions with various car treatments. A quantity of sell traditional tools numerous demand families for almost any event for any investment district, or even for a holiday in new york. ???? ??? ?????? ????? 599711"

Awesome! I've never been able to use advised attractions before! This'll be great!

"Definitely believe that that you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the internet the simplest thing to understand of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed even as other people consider issues that they just do not recognize about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest and outlined out the entire thing without having side effect , folks could take a signal. Will likely be again to get more. Thank you!"

Google Translate strikes again. Right in the nuts. (or "upon the highest" lol)

"I was reading some of your content on this site and I think this website is rattling informative! Keep posting."

...or

"I believe this internet site contains some rattling great info for everyone  . “When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.” by Sir Winston Leonard Spenser Churchill."

Is "rattling" a translation of some foreign word I don't know about? Because in English it means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

"Unquestionably imagine that which you stated. Your favourite reason appeared to be at the internet the easiest thing to have in mind of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed even as other people think about worries that they just do not know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as outlined out the entire thing without having side effect , other folks can take a signal. Will probably be again to get more. Thank you"

Really? Wow...what a kind and thoughtful sentiment. It's rare to see monkeys so skilled with linking haikus together into COMPLETE GIBBERISH. Absolutely I'll approve this comment so people can visit your site about van refinancing in Great Britain.

"Its like you learn my thoughts! You seem to understand so much approximately this, like you wrote the ebook in it or something. I feel that you simply could do with a few p.c. to pressure the message house a bit, however instead of that, that is fantastic blog. An excellent read. I’ll definitely be back."

No idea what this means.

Anyway, you get the point. Spammers are pretty much morons. Are there any bloggers out there who let this crap through? I have no idea, but if there are, they really ought to be slapped, because letting even a few of these bullshit comments through keeps spammers operating under the belief that this is an effective marketing strategy. And so far, apart from wasting my time with moderating (read: "deleting") their stupidity from my back office, all they've accomplished is giving me fodder for this post.

So listen, if you want to engage in discussion about the article, go for it. If you want to promote your crappy website, I'm OK with that too, provided you're still relevant. But please, don't insult my intelligence by calling me "beloved" or praising the rattlingness of my thoughts on the subject. You'll just end up in another embarrassing situation like this one.

Jeez I wish I had real names to post!

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Men We Admire: Mackenzie Kristjón

I've known Mac for the better part of 20 years. Always inspired, sometimes a little out there (don't believe what he says about his age), Mac keeps me thinking cutting edge when my own work seems to drag me down. Mac is the lead singer and songwriter with the band This Mad Desire, and I was fortunate to be able to draw on his talents to cover some scenes in a short horror film I scored last year. The songs were a perfect fit.

Photo: Patricia Yosida de Oliveira

Name: Mackenzie Kristjón
Age: 29 Forever/18 Again... I usually say that I came down from the mountain about a hundred years ago on my way to the sea but we lost track of time at some point and so here I be.
Occupation: Singer/songwriter at This Mad Desire
Stats: I once won a special trophy for the best new record released on the same day as the Backstreet Boys. I've also won awards for publishing and songwriting but...
Favourite instruments: '67 Strat. Also the black Les Paul that someone stole!!
Sports: Soccer, hockey, anything in the water.



How did you get started on your current career path?

As Lady Gaga says, "Baby I was born this way." My first paid job was playing the piano for a bat mitzvah. Not so long after, I took a job working for a trucking company washing trucks, unloading trailers, and so on. The owner pulled me aside one time and said, "You are absolutely terrible at this job! I'm not going to fire you though. One day you're going to be playing piano in Italy or somewhere and you'll need to have a good story about working here!" Funny guy!  I worked there for almost a year more. 

When I was very young, like maybe 3, I first encountered KISS on TV and magazines and was absolutely mesmerized. Eventually, my mother told me I would have to learn how to read if I was to enjoy these pulpy pleasures. I'm sure that I could read within about 15 seconds. Lord knows I needed to know such important information as what Ace Frehley looks for in a female fan and so on. I already knew this would be integral to my future pursuits. What if I were to have groupies like Ace? What would I do? etc. Very deep philosophical ponderings for a young mind.

Around the same time, everyone started to notice that my hands don't quite work. I have specialists across this entire galaxy trying to name my affliction. One guy wanted to slice part of my brain to see if this would help. On the downside, it could also leave me completely paralyzed. I politely declined. The basic idea is that if I will the muscles in one hand to move, the other hand moves as well. To a limited degree, I can independently control my hands but most people notice I always have one hand twitching! The doctor laughed as he said to my mother, "Oh well. I guess he'll never play the piano!" I kid you not: I was in lessons the next day.

We always had keyboards laying around the house and I always liked them. Luckily no one ever told me not to smash away at pianos. One day I even broke a low G string. For those who are not aware, it's not easy to snap piano strings in general and really not easy to snap bass strings. When this string snapped, it shook the whole house. I was convinced I had destroyed the entire piano. EVERY string was being slapped by these flailing ends of this broken string as it was also cracking against the piano's casing. I've never heard anything so loud in my life!

Did you have any mentors who helped steer you on this path?

I've had some excellent music teachers and especially my piano teacher. Marilyn Wong was so fierce she made my sister cry! She never broke me though. It seems to me that there was one time when I caught her smiling. World wars were averted in that one instant. Other than her, just the usual good teachers, interesting players and collaborators and so on. All the various musicians I've played with always teach me something. Music is such an interesting way of sharing. 

My co-producer on the "Deathstyle::Celebration (Life is too short. Live it!)" record was Andrew McPherson who I also worked with on the "Karma Repair::Sweetness Machines" release. Working with him was a real pleasure as he has a completely different style of working and very different musical sensibilities. One session I remember vividly we had Beate Schwirtlich playing drums in a living room, I was in a kitchen with an amplifier in the basement of this house. Upstairs by the control room was Barzin playing vibraphones. My idea was that we were going to record this track "Dance Me Down" LIVE. For the engineers out there, you will appreciate that this meant that the sound of the raucous drums would "bleed" into the vibraphone tracks. Engineers HATE this sort of thing as it makes editing very difficult. Andrew was not just opposed to what I was insisting upon but very concerned that this was wasting time. 

Don't you know that in the end, it turned out to be one of the more interesting tracks? In fact, Phil Demetro who mastered the record at Lacquer Channel Mastering said it was his favourite cut.

How has your work contributed to a) your development as a person and/or b) the lives of others?

I don't know. That would be pretty pompous of me. As Neil Young sang, "Just singing a song won't change the world." Although.... there was that time one of my vocal lines saved the planet. Basically there had been a rip in the fabric of space and time and some very talented Japanese engineers were able to sew the whole universe back together using this one magical vocal line. It happened very quickly while most people were sleeping but luckily these tourists were right there taking pictures. I don't often mention that event. I think it makes me seem more humble and personable when I don't mention the cosmic forces that are literally at my command and a direct result of my supernatural songs.

If you had one piece of advice for someone just entering your field, what would it be?

Let the music do the talking. In general, I don't think people should give advice. Most people who do give others advice generally don't know what they are talking about. Believe in yourself and don't take no for an answer. That's general good advice. For musicians in particular, learn your instruments. Nothing is more punk rock than intelligence! Stay open-minded. Always have prizes galore. Learn how to fly up the corporate ladder at the speed of sight. Make friends with models and photographers. Wear sunglasses. Take acting classes. Read everything you can. Stay up late. Get up early. Learn every possible secret handshake. Meet as many people as you can. Stay open-minded. Play other people's songs. Play your own songs. Read poetry. Stay open-minded. 

Do you have a personal work philosophy?

Let the music do the talking? Like other very talented people, I've experienced the joy of temp-work and one day I was at an industrial bakery that supplies a major retailer's customers with delicious goodies, bagels, and so on. When they told me I was going to spend an entire day there, I had images in my head of happy bakers dressed in white with flour on their noses. I could not have been more wrong. This is heavy-duty assembly-line factory work. At one point over the roar of the machines, the lead hand said to me, "You've got a really great work ethic! Honestly, there are only 3 people in this whole place who work as hard as you. You should consider working here. It's a real pleasure to be working with you!!" I almost fell down laughing. So the answer is, "No."

What motivates or inspires you?

Passion and honesty. Meeting new people. And of course, money.

What has been your greatest achievement?

Stayin' Alive. Nothing else really matters.

What is the one thing you hope to achieve?

World Slavery. To become the Master of All Time, Space, and Dimension. For realz, one day I want to open the Mactory.. like Warhol's Factory... but MINE ALL MINE, baby. 

What is your super power?

I appear as a character in a Hamilton-based comic called "Mac Attack" (QPM Comics) which is rather significantly based on my persona that I adopt as the singer for This Mad Desire. In that book, I seem to have increased strength and agility plus I can transfer sonic power into pure energy transmissible through my guitar like a cannon. Perhaps other magical powers will reveal themselves as the story continues. I can't wait to find out!

Who's your hero?

Da King B. Steve Martin. Or perhaps Bill Murray. And then in the women department, I tip the hat to Maria Bamford. Many other female comedians refer to Maria as my girlfriend when they talk to me. My musical heros are the Beastie Boys and Bjork. Da Killer B's.

What are you reading (or watching) these days?

I'm always reading The Complete Sagas of Icelanders. I just read a number of Ann Coulter books because I thought I should see what all the fuss was about. I read Pigeon English, the David Rothenberg books Why Birds Sing and Thousand Mile Song. When I feel a strong need to get angry, I read the Camille Paglia books, and I would be lying if I did not confess to reading on a daily basis from Judith Martin's Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour. The books I read while traveling yesterday were A Brief History of The Vikings by Jonathan Clement, The Hedonism Handbook by Michael Flocker and Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends & Influence People. 

Thinking back to a time when you had to make a hard choice, how did you decide, and do you feel, in retrospect, that you made the right move?

Let's be honest. I'm not the leader of a major country or anything. It's difficult for me to imagine that I could really have a hard choice to make about anything. 

If you had it all to do over again, would you change anything?

Yes.

What's next for you?

New record, new book, and a massive public art project. So huge I can't talk about it yet. It's going to be very, very interesting for the good people of Hamilton, Ontario.

What one piece of advice would you give to your own son (hypothetical or otherwise) in the hope of making him a better man?

Don't complain; never explain? Keep finding out that the more you find out, the less you will know. Your goal in life is to remember everything and know nothing. And look out for your sister. 

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